ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS:

Is Juan Uribe GONE!

Make no mistake, none of us like Juan Uribe, not even a little bit. And in a world where money is no object, we all despise Juan Uribe. Lets name all the ways.

1. He is fat! And I don’t mean, “he has a bit of a belly and has lost a step” fat. He is Andruw Jones with a new shiny contract fat. Somehow, Jones didn’t last the two years we had him signed. Yet Juan Uribe is still kicking the tires on the bench. We are still paying Andruw Jones 3.2 million next year and in 2014 to just simply stay away!

Worst bunter ever.

2. He is a bad batter. I’m quite certain that if not for his ability to fall down like Adrian Beltre when he swings, I’d have no reason to watch his at bats knowing good and well that he would swing at a pitch that is out of the zone, and then take the next pitch right down the middle. As his ability to swing at pitches outside of the zone increases, so does the rest of the league. For his career, he has always been about 7 percent above the league average at pitches swung at outside the zone. I know 7% doesn’t sound like much, but that is roughly 150 pitches over the course of a season.

Juan Uribe attempts to hit a curve ball… and fails miserably.

3. Given that he hasn’t changed his approach at the plate, I can confidently say he is not smart! We can’t let money get in the way of smart thinking here, but if Uribe was a free agent, would anyone give him a contract at all. He’d probably receive a minor league deal somewhere.

4. He is a good defender… when he is actually playing… and healthy. Which takes us back to point #1. I guess that is why Ned Colletti continues to hang onto Uribe. Because he might not be healthy enough to last the season even if we do keep him.Which makes no sense to me, but total sense if you are Ned Colletti. I have my “Colletti cap” on.

There must be some redeeming quality in Juan Uribe. I’m not entirely sure I know what it is. Maybe he is a good teammate? Maybe he has “damning” pictures of Ned Colletti? I’m quite certain that as soon as Uribe is cut loose, some team with a need will pick him up and he will be the regular starter and provide adequate offense and spectacular defense, leading them to a world series. Whatever the case may be, all I want for Christmas is Juan Uribe gone.